I've suffered from depression since childhood. I can remember those dark periods, sometimes lasting two to three years quite well. At that stage, the doctors merely told my parents that my "system" was off balance (whatever that meant). I never got treatment for it. As an adult, I sought help many times and was put on on anti-depressants periodically for most of my adult life. I remember my doctor telling me that I had to go for more intensive treatment, otherwise I will reach a breaking point where I will totally collapse, psychologically as well as physically. I dismissed his warnings to my detriment. About two years ago, the total collapse happened. My mind had shut down completely, and my body followed suit. I couldn't walk more than a couple of paces without collapsing. At that point, I was seriously considering suicide as an option. Fortunately, I had a long time aquaintance who's a psychologist, and went to see her. She immediately arranged for me to be admitted admitted to a step-down (treatment only) hospital where they specialize in treating depression. I can remember arriving there, barely able to walk.
I stayed there for two and a half weeks. The treatment program consisted of two weeks of lectures, sessions with psychiatrists, psychologists and occupational therapists. They cover everything from physical causes, such as hormone imbalances to psychological causes, and personality type related causes; and teach you how to deal with it.
However, the prognosis from my psychiatrist was not good. In his first meeting with me he was astounded, saying that I had suffered from complete psychiatric neglect for all of my life. As I've had more than two major depressive episodes, the likelyhood of me ever recovering was exceedingly slim. He would only be able to declare after three years, if I hadn't slipped back into depression, that my depression was in "remission". It's been two years now, and I've only suffered about three or four shortlived episodes (6 - 12 hours) of depression. I am on medication for both depression and anxiety, and it seems to work, without side-effects (i'm not in la-la land, however ). And I'm confident that I'll make a complete recovery.
Which brings me to something else: Social anxiety disorder. I find social interaction with even close friends exhausting. I'm not able to handle it, except for short periods of time, maximum two hours, else it leaves me drained. It started when I was an adolescent, about sixteen years of age. At that stage, I craved the acceptance of my father, to validate me as a human being (the background to this needs another post alltogether). Unfortunately, it didn't happen. Instead, at a family meeting to discuss problems, my father declared that he couldn't stand me. It devestated me.I decided however that I would prove to him that I was worthy by entering the same branch of the army as he did, and become an officer. At that stage we had compulsory military service, so gaining entrance was easy. However, I failed miserably and attempted suicide three times, with various methods. That reinforced the feeling of being unworthy as a human being. The whole issue was clinched when I went to university, and found that the same auhoritarian approach that ruled the military was also present in civil society (this was South Africa in the early 1980's).
The result of this was debilitating. I was unable to speak fluently. As soon as I started to say something, the muscles in my jaw would malfunction, twitching uncontrollably.I learned, recently, that this is called oromandibular dystonia. Whilst there is treatment for it, it seems to be effective rarely. It's also a condition that waxes and wanes; stress increases it, as do illness. One or two times per year it gets so bad that I can hardly speak at all.
I've realised though, that the trigger for this condition lies in the "unworthyness" aspect. I think that the moment I think about anything that could validate my worth as a human being, my brain cuts out and shuts of anything that might represent me as worthy or intelligent to the rest of society. Realising the problem though, does not present the solution. I think it will take a lot of time, patience and excercise to overcome it, taking into acount that it's been with me for the last thirty years. But I'm confident that I will overcome it
I couldn't look anyone in the eye today on the school run andfor some reason my hands looked huge. Bizarre.