How to get raped.

[Cunt]

I disagree mistermack for a few reasons. First, your advice is pretty local, so the one page you offer would only be good in your jurisdiction. Also, it may be that the goal is not justice, but say self-preservation (or suicide - how would I know)
lastly, your advice hinges on dishonesty. Many won't want anything to do with that.

I do agree though that planning ahead could be useful.

[mistermack]

I disagree mistermack for a few reasons. First, your advice is pretty local, so the one page you offer would only be good in your jurisdiction. Also, it may be that the goal is not justice, but say self-preservation (or suicide - how would I know)
lastly, your advice hinges on dishonesty. Many won't want anything to do with that.

I do agree though that planning ahead could be useful.

Perfectly fair points. I suppose a website with separate sections for different countries would work.
I think that it could be a section of a comprehensive rape awareness site, where avoidance was the main subject.

As far as honesty goes, you can be pretty sure that a rapist won't be honest, when it goes to court. (nor would someone falsely claiming to have been raped). It's just a suggestion of how to fight fire with fire. They usually claim consent, and very often get away with it, because the case gets dropped.
A bloody nose and a few bruises could change all that.
I can't imagine many people doing it though.

Actually it could be self defeating to suggest it on a website anyway, because a good lawyer could probably use it to cast doubt on genuine bruising etc.

[Gallstones]

I am only here to respond to <D>'s inquiry because I can provide information from actual experience--as opposed to conjecture.

It seems that you want a list of nuts and bolts <D>, a flow chart of "if this then that" to effectively manage a sexual assault.

I can't give you nuts a bolts. I can tell you what happens as an insider and then you can take that info wherever it goes.


I am going to start with what happened during the incident itself and then address how to prepare and how to respond after the fact. None of what I say can be considered anything but my own experience from my own POV. Others may not think as I did/do or act as I did.

The first thing that one does depends on how the incident precipitates. I was on my back on the front seat of a car, I was being choked and being asked "Do you want to die". It happened suddenly and there were no indications with regard to what was about to transpire. At that time my brain was concentrated on only one thing--don't pass out or you will be dead. So I put all my attention and efforts on remaining conscious. As it turns out he needed me conscious anyway.

After that immediate concern, my brain entered hyper multitasking mode--assessing the environment: where are the escapes, what is the character of the neighborhood should I get away, looking for a break to run; what is he doing, gesture, posture, affect, tone of voice. Then you start to bargain with the situation; if I can just live, maybe I won't be beaten up too bad....etc.

Most of what you do is reflexive and instinctive, not much planning goes into it. When he pulled me out of the car I broke away and made run for it. I was 15yo and fit and I could run fast, but I had long hair and he was able to grab me up by the hair and drag me into his house. Events then proceeded as he had intended. Then he passed out and I was able to get away. I walked 7 miles home through Inglewood California in the middle of the night. I spent weeks afterward agonizing over pregnancy and STD's.

Did I go to the police?
No.
Did I tell an adult?
No.

Why?
Because I knew I would be blamed.
How did I know that?
Because it had happened before, but that was in the family.

Why else?
Because I felt I was to blame, it was my fault, I was mortified with shame.

I had been groomed into believing that I had no right to object, no right to say no.

I told three girlfriends.
One of them told my then boyfriend, who after hearing the story got up and left, said nothing, just left and started hating me because he was convinced I wanted it.

Nuts and bolts are false security. They can't save you.
What a person needs more than anything is a foundation to support him/her should such a thing happen; self esteem, self respect, a sense that s/he is valued.

After the fact, a person needs support and outrage and to be believed and to be blameless.

So, teach your daughters to keep fit, and to value themselves and promise that you will be there should such a thing happen to them. That should take care of it as best as can be expected.

[hadespussercats]

Gallstones, I am outraged, and sorry that you know all this.

I wish there were something better, or more, that I could do or say.

I'm glad you survived.

[Xamonas Chegwé]

Long hair derail split off to its own topic. http://rationalia.com/forum/viewtopic.php?f=38&t=30342

[Ronja]

Gallstones, I am outraged, and sorry that you know all this.

I wish there were something better, or more, that I could do or say.

I'm glad you survived.

This.

gallstones for what it's worth

[Cunt]

Thanks for sharing, Gallstones.

[Gallstones]

Thanks for sharing, Gallstones.

Sure <D>.

[nellikin]

Gallstones - that's appalling. I hope you have not given the fucker the (unknown) satisfaction of 'owning' you emotionally since then. I hope yoou stnad proud and hold your head up high for being a strong woman who can handle herself, despite the shit life (or some fuckwit) has thrown at you.

Speaking from my own experinece (which has been very different, because not violent), I handled to two instances where I was raped (once by my stepfather, once by my ex) passivlely. I stated clearly and verbally that I did not want it to happen. I did not, however, put up any physical resistance, as I thought it wouldn't help the situation - their intentions were clear and I wasn't in any position to leave and stop it happening. Having said no, clearly, I allowed what was happening to go on. With my stepfather it took me years to get over it: probably sue to the power imbalance (my being a 12-year old virgin, he being the man my mother loved). He owned a large part of my self-esteem for ages. 20 years later I have that back and merely pity him; he was and is a fool and pathetic. With my ex, he had no power over me: I had already released myself of that when I broke up with him, and I didn't allow myself to feel anything but contempt for his neediness which would drive him to such a desparate act. I actually got angry with him a few weeks later: stating clearly that I was oturaged that he hadn't respected my boundaries and he had raped me. He was appalled - he thought that I had consented, even though he had heard me say 'no', merely because I hadn't physically defended myself from him.

I don't know if this is a good approach to rape, but it certainly worked for me and I believe I carry no long-lasting damage from it. Certainly not physically, and not mentally anymore either. I suspect clear verbal resistance but no physical resistance could often work best in rape situations: you make sure the situation is a 'legally defined' rape but hopefully minimise the risk of physical harm at the same time. However, there are probably some sickos out there who will become violent no matter what.

[Xamonas Chegwé]

Nellie.

[nellikin]

Thanks XC

Sorry for the typos, folks. Shit, I thought I read and edited that

[mistermack]

With my ex, he had no power over me: I had already released myself of that when I broke up with him, and I didn't allow myself to feel anything but contempt for his neediness which would drive him to such a desparate act. I actually got angry with him a few weeks later: stating clearly that I was oturaged that he hadn't respected my boundaries and he had raped me. He was appalled - he thought that I had consented, even though he had heard me say 'no', merely because I hadn't physically defended myself from him.

Nellikin, that's interesting because it's almost identical to what happened to me.
I'd broke up with my girlfriend, and was actually seeing someone else.
My ex came round very late, when I was in bed, ( we never locked the back door ).
She got into bed and I was saying no, and go home, and certainly didn't "consent".
However, I did get a stiffie, but that's not under my control.
But we both knew I could easily have stopped her.
I said no, but didn't resist.
Technically and legally, I could claim I was raped. But we both knew that I wasn't, because I didn't make the slightest effort to stop it.

Is it different because I'm a man?

[Azathoth]

You really are a despicable fuck trolling this thread. I would love to get you in a room with a baseball bat and a giant black dildo about now you horrible cunt


This post is currently under staff discussion. Azatoth has been warned, here

[mistermack]

You really are a despicable fuck trolling this thread. I would love to get you in a room with a baseball bat and a giant black dildo about now you horrible cunt

Sorry Azathole, I'm afraid I don't share your weird fantasy.
You'll have to carry on by hand, till you meet someone equally sad.


mistermac has been reminded of our rules, the reminder is here

[Azathoth]

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Azatoth has been warned for this post and another earlier in this thread, the warning is here