So.... Seen Any Bad Movies Lately?

[leo-rcc]

I liked the books, liked the movies. But neither were that special to me.

I liked the "How the movie should have ended" version better.

[Animavore]

Holy crap! This is one of the most pathetic excuses of a film I've come across.



More pathetic than a soot-faced orphan, nose pressed and breathing condensation against a cake shop window at Christmas.
I mean, first of all you have the protagonist, as seen in the pic above, what is it with him? Is he supposed to be stoned or.. or retarded or... French or something? I don't know. His job, from what I can make out, is supposed to be a high-class banker of some sort but he seems like the type who is more likely to try make a phone call on a calculator rather then try work out profits made over the fiscal year.
It's even more dismaying to find out this same guy, who reads out his lines like an unenthusiastic service announcer in a department store, is the same guy who wrote, directed and produced this dull-witted trainwreck of a movie.
The script comes across like it was written by the proverbial monkey bashing at a keyboard and looking at the state of him that is probably exactly what it was. There is no plot, no focus, it doesn't lead anywhere. Well, except into the ravine to which its hurtling towards. Things get introduced into the movie only to never surface again when you thought it was going to be an arching sub-plot. At one point this young lad gets who the main character is mentoring gets hassled by a drug dealer over money as if it was some relevant plot point but after the drug dealer goes and they make a big fuss asking how the kid got involved with this guy, with the kid refusing to answer, it simply is never brought up again.
Then there are other elements where the writer, probably in a stoned stupor, seemed to have forgotten what happened earlier in the same film. For instance, the main character suspects that his fiancé is cheating on him and tells his friend, "We haven't made love in a while". This after two sex scenes on two consecutive nights with him telling his friend this on the third day!
The whole movie just comes across as a very lazy effort and I wouldn't have minded any of this so much if it was in the "so good it's bad" category I read to be but I didn't find that at all. It wasn't even funny. Just boring. It was like the cinematic version of entropy.
Not worth wasting your time on.

[Animavore]

This was way worse than I remember.



I mean for Chrissake! It's like Planet of the Apes had a child with Stargate and they left it in the woods to die were it was raised by a pack of feral Star Trek.
John Travolta, looking like the Cowardly Lion went to a Sci-Fi convention dressed as a Klingon, is the worst I've ever seen him hamming it up to the point I couldn't stop thinking of Skeletor unveiling his evil intentions to his side-kicks, The Beast and Merman, and then laughing insanely. And what the fuck was Forest Whittaker doing there? Looking like Barf from Space Balls. I bet he hoped he looked unrecognisable enough that no one noticed him and he might slip by. But we saw you.
It's hard to even talk about how ridiculous and implausible the story is because it would be difficult to know where to begin and once you do begin it would be hard stop.
It's basically some humans in the year 3000 are held slave by a race of aliens out to take thar gold. Because, as you know, the universe isn't full of this stuff and can only be found on planets already inhabited by sentient creatures who need to be first almost wiped out. Anyway one of the humans is a bit brighter than the others and causes the aliens some grief. And that's where it stops being a slight bit plausible. He then leads an uprising and here is where it begins lose it.
We see cave men, who seem to have gotten there hands on some Gillette razors and hair styling products, flying Harrier jump jets. Who somehow know how to speak the lingo of modern war. And shown how to work an assault rifle just by the instructor miming pointing it in a direction away from himself and grunting.
The main character had an excuse, he was zapped with some ray that increased his knowledge, but the rest of the primatives shouldn't of had a balls notion.
The special effects were on the same level as an asylum film. There were multiple crimes against green screening and cheap looking sets which wouldn't have looked out of place at an Airfix Expo. At least Monty Python had the sense to make a joke out of their sets in The Holy Grail but this film was done in all seriousness.
The thing that got me the most was how stupid the aliens were. Even their name was stupid, The Psychlons from Planet Psychlo. In one scene this commanding officer guy from the home planet visits Earth to pay a visit. Travolta shows him some file which seemingly has a picture of a dog on it. The officer says, "Obviously the superior race having man chauffeuring them around". Travolta replies, "Dog did prove to be more co-operative than man animals but for some reason they weren't as useful when it came to manual labour."








It's possible this movie doesn't understand logic so I drew this helpful diagram.




Watch it for lulz. A couple of beers might help lubricate your laughing gear.

[Trolldor]

*snip*

Believe me now?

[Animavore]

*snip*

Believe me now?

I think the review is an unequivocal "yes".

[Clinton Huxley]

I read the book. All 1000 pages of it. It was like picking a scab, I just couldn't stop

[leo-rcc]

Jack Hunter: The Quest for Akhenaten's Tomb.

This is quite possibly the worst waste of video tape ever.

[Gawdzilla Sama]

Will report on "Zombie Strippers" ASAP.

[Sælir]

Will report on "Zombie Strippers" ASAP.

Hehehe, I´ve seen that and it was extremely bad!

[Gawdzilla Sama]

Will report on "Zombie Strippers" ASAP.

Hehehe, I´ve seen that and it was extremely bad!

[Pappa]

The Zombie Diaries was a pile of wank. Don't bother.

[Pappa]

Flu Birds

Some delinquent kids are out in the woods and get attacked by killer mutant birds. It turns out they have a deadly and highly contagious form of H1N1. The virus spreads to the nearby town and the CDC get involved to contain it. They decide an airstrike ie the best option, which will also entail killing the kids. In the end the really selfish kid sacrifices himself to save the others, thus proving he wasn't a bad sort really.

[tattuchu]

Flu Birds

Some delinquent kids are out in the woods and get attacked by killer mutant birds. It turns out they have a deadly and highly contagious form of H1N1. The virus spreads to the nearby town and the CDC get involved to contain it. They decide an airstrike ie the best option, which will also entail killing the kids. In the end the really selfish kid sacrifices himself to save the others, thus proving he wasn't a bad sort really.

It sounds good

[Gawdzilla Sama]

"Oversexed Rugsuckers from Mars." Martian fucks a vacuum cleaner that then attempts to take over the world. Despite this promising start the movie declined badly, somewhere in the opening credits to be exact.

If you want a jaw-droppingly bad movie to howl at, this is not the one. It's just bad.

[Pappa]

Flu Birds

Some delinquent kids are out in the woods and get attacked by killer mutant birds. It turns out they have a deadly and highly contagious form of H1N1. The virus spreads to the nearby town and the CDC get involved to contain it. They decide an airstrike ie the best option, which will also entail killing the kids. In the end the really selfish kid sacrifices himself to save the others, thus proving he wasn't a bad sort really.

It sounds good

Yeah... it does sound good. But its just crappy. It doesn't even have the benefit of being cheesy.