Mental illness, social disorders, treatment and recovery

[Dries van Tonder]

I can almost feel my brain trying to hide from it, screaming in a corner

That sums it up for me. That's what happens; except my mind runs away and hides where not even I can access it. Any attempts to access and utilize my mind or intellect leads to massive psychological conflict, resulting in the ever irritating oromandibular dystonia.

However, that being said and done; I've been focusing on eliminating / treating / dealing with it the last couple of days. I literally force myself into circumstances where I have to use my mind; and I constantly have to remind myself that I can speak / talk/ share my opinions with others without being afraid that it will have adverse effects. So far, so good. But not eradicated at all; but I do see progress

[Dries van Tonder]

Aww Dries

Thanks

[Bella Fortuna]

Just seeing this now for the first time - you've had some huge challenges, Dries, but I am so heartened and hopeful in hearing how you've faced them and have determined to deal with them (sometimes in spite of yourself, it sounds). My sincerest good wishes and support for your continued progress.

[Dries van Tonder]

Just seeing this now for the first time - you've had some huge challenges, Dries, but I am so heartened and hopeful in hearing how you've faced them and have determined to deal with them (sometimes in spite of yourself, it sounds). My sincerest good wishes and support for your continued progress.

Thanks Bella

[Xamonas Chegwé]

I don't know what your financial situation is, Dries, but if you can get yourself over to the UK (or that Merka place) I can guarantee that you would find plenty of Ratz that would not consider you in the slightest bit worthless. In the meantime, there's always brandy.

Thanks for sharing your troubles with us - your story really touched me. I know that us wishing that we could do something to help doesn't mean a lot in physical terms - but I hope that you knowing that we feel that way helps you a little, you poor fucker.

[Gallstones]

Hi Dries

You are worthy to me.


My mind is the opposite of yours, it never shuts up and it never stops. It has been waking me up at night for over a week now to nag me. I have to tell it to shut up and leave me alone. If I could package some of that up, I'd give you some.

[GreyICE]

It's good that you're discussing it, problems never get better by ignoring them. Respect them for what they are and then solve them is the way, and you seem to be working towards doing exactly that.

You not only know what they are, and how they work, but are working on solving them and it's getting better. I've fought depression now and in the past, and frankly, it sucks. A lot. And I was nowhere near the level that you were at. But you've gotten better and that's good to hear.

Keep fighting the good fight!

[Gallstones]

Hey Grey, who you talking to?


Dries, you could come visit me on the other side of the world anytime. Come for the Fourth of July. We can set fire to things and blow shit up.

[GreyICE]

OP. I admit to once not doing much more than skimming the thread, since I felt like responding to the poster.

Probably should have used a quote box, but I'm really lazy (and bears are catholic, yadda yadda )

[Dries van Tonder]

Dries, you could come visit me on the other side of the world anytime. Come for the Fourth of July. We can set fire to things and blow shit up.

Set fire to things and blow shit up.... hmmm.....nice!!!!

[Dries van Tonder]

It's good that you're discussing it, problems never get better by ignoring them. Respect them for what they are and then solve them is the way, and you seem to be working towards doing exactly that.

You not only know what they are, and how they work, but are working on solving them and it's getting better. I've fought depression now and in the past, and frankly, it sucks. A lot. And I was nowhere near the level that you were at. But you've gotten better and that's good to hear.

Keep fighting the good fight!

Thanks Grey!

[JimC]

Cheers, Dries! A gutsy post; it seems to me you are fighting successfully! Keep it up, mate!

So often, it seems to me, that for men, it comes back to relationships with a father. I had a great one, and that experience challenges me to try to be a good dad myself.

Bad ones can do untold damage...

[Dries van Tonder]

Cheers, Dries! A gutsy post; it seems to me you are fighting successfully! Keep it up, mate!

So often, it seems to me, that for men, it comes back to relationships with a father. I had a great one, and that experience challenges me to try to be a good dad myself.

Bad ones can do untold damage...

Thanks Jim. I remember, after being released from hospital, thinking to myself: "How on earth could you allow yourself to be trapped in the hell of depression for such a long time?" This echoed a question my psychiatrist often asked during treatment: "How could you think that a state of deep depression is normal?" The answer is quite easy: If you don't know anything else than a state of deep depression, how would you know what is normal? Today I can say however, two years after my treatment, that I'm leading a (somewhat) normal life, free of depression.

Social anxiety, and its resultant speech disorder, however, is still with me. But I am making some progress in that field as well. I force myself to extend normal social conversations to beyond what I would usually do. Every extra word is a small victory.

My speech disorder might sound strange, taking into account that I've been a criminal law legal practitioner for the last 19 (almost 20) years. Funnily enough, when it comes to the leading of evidence of witnesses; and cross-examination, it doesn't affect me much. Adressing the court however, is something else entirely. This is usually where the disorder kicks in with ferocity. Fortunately, the judges and magistrates in front of whom I appear, have become accustomed to it. They know I won't say much, and the little I say will normally make sense.

At this stage, my progress is thus: I look forward to every opportunity to speak. I know it won't be without hindrances and hiccups; but I know that every mistake relearns my mind to speak fluently

[Ronja]

I've realised though, that the trigger for this condition lies in the "unworthyness" aspect. I think that the moment I think about anything that could validate my worth as a human being, my brain cuts out and shuts of anything that might represent me as worthy or intelligent to the rest of society. Realising the problem though, does not present the solution. I think it will take a lot of time, patience and excercise to overcome it, taking into acount that it's been with me for the last thirty years. But I'm confident that I will overcome it

Thanks for sharing. It's interesting isn't it. You can't change the reaction, but you can distinguish it happening. That's all it seems to take. I think back at all the stupid things I've done and said in that moment of panic. But if I distinguish the feeling in the moment it opens up new possibilities.

The other thing I've come to understand is that I was living all my relationships through my relationship with my father, it sitting there in front of me prejudicing all my reactions, instead of leaving it in the past. Unconditional love was never available to me, until I got by that.

What you both write is so familiar it is almost scary. The strength of the memories is at times literally paralyzing. I usually try to "split" my thoughts into the two-year-old, the teenager and the real, today me, and comfort my inner children with that what they heard back then was never true and that they don't have to carry too heavy responsibilities anymore, that being the grownup is my job today. Works often, but not always and seldom perfectly.

Regarding relationships and effects from the past: Amazingly strong loyalty and loving partnership was given to me, and I almost threw it all away under the influence of the "ghosts". Thankfully, M persisted without being pushy, and we are stronger both apart and together today than we ever were before. Mostly, I would guess, because we are both more aware and open about our vulnerabilities.

Good luck and perseverance to each and all who struggle (Feck, this means you, too)!

[Dries van Tonder]

It's almost been three years now. I've not had a major depressive episode. A few minor ones, but manageable and short lived. If I survive the next 14 days, my depression could be declared as in remission