Ladies and Gentlemen,
I just got off the WC and, as promised, hurried back to Rationalia to give you my daily report. My toilet experience begin, oddly enough, with my dogs barking. I went downstairs from my home office to go check out the disturbance. As usual, it was nothing. But before returning upstairs I decided to put some logs on the fire. While carrying one particularly heavy log, a curious sphincter tightening alerted me that I might have some internal logs to deal with. So after closing the fireplace doors I sauntered over to the bathroom. Almost immediately, there was a gentle plop. Then one of my dogs, Kona, came in the bathroom to check out what was going on. I had just picked up the latest issue of
The Skeptical Inquirer when she nudged it out of the way and plunged her snout in my crotch. Normally, I would appreciate such attentions from a female, but not while on the toilet. Furthermore, dear readers, I had not forgotten my obligations to you. So I shooed her out the door, closed it, and began reading.
I starting fliming through the articles. Not much interesting. I've been a member of the
CSI (formerly
CSICOP) and a reader of
SI for over 20 years. But it just doesn't seem as interesting anymore. I could already sense I was more than halfway done with my "business" and feared I'd find nothing of interest to report to you. But finally, on page 21 was an amusing article entitled "NASA Tries to Bomb Star Visitors". Apparently, there is a group of wackadoos headed by well-known UFO expert Richard Boylan who is convinced that NASA's latest mission to bomb the moon to find water was just a ruse. The real mission was to destroy the base camp of the
Star Visitors, aliens who have infiltrated our planet for the good to leave "Star Seeds" and "Star Kids".
To quote Mr. Boylan:
...I note that the [NASA] Cabal is indeed engaged in unlawful war crimes and attempting to push the United States, and by extension, all Earth nations, in an act of war against star civilizations...
As I read this, it occurred to me that I might not have found it so surprising if Bush was still President. Then I released my final two plops of excrement. I continued to finish the article and a few others, sitting on the pot at least 10 minutes after completing excretion. But that's not all that unusual for me.
Anyway, I put down the mag, got off the pot, inspected my work, and found it good - a bit on the soft side today with an orange tinge. Easy to wipe - only used three small handfulls of toilet paper. Flushed, washed, and back to you, my dear, dear readers.
If you think I'm even capable of being like that, fuck you!
