Some well written sarcasm about conspiracy theory idiots by Melbourne writer, Wendy Squires:
Well, I sure wish someone had told me earlier! You see, as part of the mainstream media, I was informed this week that I am to blame for, well, nearly everything that is wrong in this world. What’s more, I should actually be aware this is the case but, as part of the evil media, I’m probably in denial at best and ignorant at worst.
Apparently I am a pawn in a global conspiracy, you see. I’m actively concealing the truth about COVID-19, its sinister origin and intent. This is a factor in a bigger picture, one that has me aiding and abetting a Satan-worshipping paedophile ring with a master plan of bringing down Trump, among other heinous crimes such as taking children hostage as sex slaves under New York’s Central Park. I really should be aware of this, I was told. The truth is out there, I am just actively choosing to ignore it.
This enlightening information was imparted by a young man I found myself in discussion with after he approached me online. He believed it was his job to let me know how deluded I am, and how I should be using my columns in this publication for the greater good of educating readers to what is really going on and not mindlessly repeating the opinions of others “in control”. He urged me to study up on the QAnon phenomenon to get my facts right and stop being a “media puppet”. And so I did, thus discovering the devil-worshipping, child-abusing faction I am blindly aligned with. Well, talk about a shock!
And here I was thinking I am a relatively sane person with strong views I have reached of my own volition. But it seems that following the news, studying issues and checking facts has led me to a deluded state of dangerous witlessness. It appears I would have been much better off getting my facts straight – not from experts, scientists and researchers but from Instagram influencers. Yes, it appears that girls with trout pouts taking bikini selfies have the real word on what’s happening in the real world. It seems those who have no qualifications in any discernible field away from make-up tutorials, the ability to follow a recipe or how to conduct the best butt-burning workout are the harbourers of the vital truths that will save the human race. Gee, if only I had known earlier.
If I had been paying attention to those in the know, I would have learnt that coronavirus is nothing but a marketing blip. Donald Trump, world saviour of QAnon thought, said as much, referring to the virus as the Democrats’ “new hoax”, with conservative US commentators adding that public-health officials are nothing but “deep-state” operatives who might not even be qualified to comment on the pandemic. But, somewhat confusingly, the virus was also apparently created so billionaires such as Bill Gates can control the world with patented vaccines. Oh, but hang on, the virus is also the result of 5G technology, again part of the great paedophile masterplan to rule the world. And here I was thinking it has something to do with wet markets and bats. Silly me!
Regardless of the evil ulterior motives behind the “invention” of the virus that influencers and conspiracy theorists are sharing, they are also all over providing solutions, something those puppets in white coats at the World Health Organisation, you know, the ones with myriad medical degrees, can’t seem to grasp.
Our crusading influencers have recommended everything from drinking household bleach to gargling vinegar, eating garlic, blasting hot air up the nostrils and even snorting cocaine as antidotes. Oh, and of course, there is the saviour of the universe’s taking of the “game changer” antimalarial drug hydroxychloroquine, something that has resulted in four known deaths thus far from others following suit.
Of course, we have had our own celebrity influencers who appear to know better than medical experts, notably former TV chef Pete Evans, who was given the chop from My Kitchen Rules after the Therapeutic Goods Administration (TGA) recently fined him $25,200 for promoting a "healing lamp" that he claimed could treat the coronavirus but was found to just be a fancy light – albeit an expensive one at $15,000 a pop. And here I was thinking he was just an activated almond-loving nutcase who should stick to cooking. It should be noted Evans recently said he would eschew a COVID-19 vaccination if it was on offer. How community minded of him.
Yes, I am being facetious here. It’s hard not to be, considering the lunacy that is now masquerading as fact on social media. It would be almost laughable that anyone could actually believe the rubbish being disseminated through fake news reports attributed as truths by those “in the know”. However, recent research from the Reuters Institute at Oxford University supports my view, finding influencers part of a group responsible for the most engagement with coronavirus misinformation and conspiracy theories on social media, with their posts accounting for 69 per cent of social engagement with such theories.
Well, here’s what I want to say to those who believe and spread this garbage – shut up. Honestly, you are not on to something others are not. You are gullible, you are ridiculous and you are downright dangerous. The media is not out to manipulate you, nor is it being controlled by evil forces with hidden agendas (OK, I’ll give you Sky News). You are missing the con in conspiracy, buying into the bull of those who like to think they know better but don’t. If you want to believe this madness, then knock yourselves out! But every time you pass on these lies as truth, be aware you are part of a bigger picture and that is the dumbing of a society that prefers fallacies to facts. And you should be ashamed.
Now, I’m off to feed some sex slaves.
Well I think it's a very pretty name 
