Atheism and Religion: the Jokes

[Gawdzilla Sama]

Welcome to Hell
by Rorke Haining
A guy dies and wakes up to find he is in hell. He's really depressed as he stands in the processing line waiting to talk to an admittance counselor.

He thinks to himself "I know I lead a wild life but I wasn't that bad. I never thought it would come to this." Looking up he sees that it is his turn to be processed into hell. With fear and a heavy heart, he walks up to the counselor.

Counselor: What's the problem, you look depressed?

Guy: Well, what do you think? I'm in hell.

Counselor: Hell's not so bad, we actually have a lot of fun. Do you like to drink?

Guy: Sure, I love to drink.

Counselor: Well then, you are going to love Mondays. On Mondays we drink up a storm. You can have whiskey, rum, tequila, beer, whatever you want and as much a you want. We party all night long. You'll love Mondays. Do you smoke?

Guy: Yes, as a matter of fact I do.

Counselor: You are going to love Tuesdays. Tuesday is smoke day. You get to smoke the finest cigars and best cigarettes available anywhere. And you smoke to your heart's desire without worrying about cancer because you are already dead! Is that great or what? You are going to love Tuesdays. Do you do drugs?

Guy: Well in my younger days I experimented a little.

Counselor: You are going to love Wednesdays. That's drug day. You can experiment with any drug you want and you don't have to worry about overdoses or getting hooked because you are already dead. You are going to love Wednesdays. Do you gamble?

Guy: Yes, I love to gamble.

Counselor: You are going to love Thursdays because we gamble all day and night -- black jack, craps, poker, slots, horse races, everything! You are going to love Thursdays. Are you gay?

Guy: Uhh...no.

Counselor: Oh , you're gonna hate Fridays...

[Geoff]

The heretic

I was walking across a bridge one day, and I saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump off. So I ran over and said, "Stop! Don't do it!" "Why shouldn't I?" he said. I said, "Well, there's so much to live for!" He said, "Like what?" I said, "Well, are you religious or atheist?" He said, "Religious." I said, "Me too! Are your Christian or Buddhist?" He said, "Christian." I said, "Me too! Are you Catholic or Protestant?" He said, "Protestant." I said, Me too! Are your Episcopalian or Baptist? He said, "Baptist!" I said, "Wow! Me too! Are your Baptist Church of God or Baptist Church of the Lord? He said, Baptist Church of God!" I said, "Me too! Are your Original Baptist Church of God or are you Reformed Baptist Church of God?" He said, "Reformed Baptist Church of God!" I said, "Me too! Are you Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1879, or Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1915?" He said, "Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1915!" I said, "Die, heretic scum!" and pushed him off.

Emo Philips is responsible for the above. %?)

Here's some more of his act about religion.

Cheers for that! I like his lines, though not the delivery, particularly...

[Cormac]

The heretic

I was walking across a bridge one day, and I saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump off. So I ran over and said, "Stop! Don't do it!" "Why shouldn't I?" he said. I said, "Well, there's so much to live for!" He said, "Like what?" I said, "Well, are you religious or atheist?" He said, "Religious." I said, "Me too! Are your Christian or Buddhist?" He said, "Christian." I said, "Me too! Are you Catholic or Protestant?" He said, "Protestant." I said, Me too! Are your Episcopalian or Baptist? He said, "Baptist!" I said, "Wow! Me too! Are your Baptist Church of God or Baptist Church of the Lord? He said, Baptist Church of God!" I said, "Me too! Are your Original Baptist Church of God or are you Reformed Baptist Church of God?" He said, "Reformed Baptist Church of God!" I said, "Me too! Are you Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1879, or Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1915?" He said, "Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1915!" I said, "Die, heretic scum!" and pushed him off.

Emo Philips classic!

[Hermit]

Michael Jackson arrives at the pearly gates. St Peter doesn't recognise him so he asks, "What exactly did you do on earth?"

“I dressed up in funny clothes and entertained people”

"And tell me were you ever in trouble?"

"Well, I was accused of interfering with little boys, but we paid off some and won the other court case"

“I'm sorry father, I don't see your name down here. What parish were you in?”

[FBM]

http://www.400monkeys.com/God/

Pretty creative, I thought.

[owtth]

Not very religious but what the hell.

When Michael Jackson died, he was surprised to find himself in musicians' heaven. St. Peter was showing him around, introducing him to all the departed rock stars. Visiting a fantastic music studio, he saw Jimi Hendrix, Janis Joplin, John Bonham, Mama Cass, etc.
Suddenly, with a flourish, Bono walked into the studio and joined in the jam.
Wacko gasped to St. Peter: 'I didn't know Bono died!'
'Oh no,' replied Peter 'That's God - he just thinks he's Bono.'

[hackenslash]

http://i139.photobucket.com/albums/q301 ... s_hung.png[/imgc]

[Hermit]

Two priests are out driving one day when they get pulled over by a police officer.
The cop approaches the priests vehicle and says to the driver "Sorry to pull you over father, but we're looking for a couple of child molesters"
The two priests look at each other for a few moments and have a few quiet words to each other. The driver turns back to the cop and says;
"Alright officer, we'll do it"

[laklak]

A little boy is standing on top of a cliff, looking down at the sea and crying his eyes out. A priest approaches and says, "My child, why are you so upset?"

The little boy turns to him and says, "My mummy and daddy were in their car -- and it just rolled over the cliff and smashed on the rocks down there."

The priest slowly looks around while unbuttoning his cassock and says, "I'm afraid it's just not your day, my son."

[MrFungus420]

A priest, a rabbi, and an imam walk into a bar.

The bartender looks up and says, "What is this? A joke?"

[Hermit]

Moses and God are walking through heaven, and God complains of being bored. Moses suggests a vacation.
"That's a great idea," says God, "but where?"
"How about Jupiter?" Moses asks. "Impressive scenery."
"Yeah, but the gravity gives me a backache."
"What about Pluto then?"
"Too cold -- and too boring. I need excitement."
"Well, if it's excitement you want, what about Earth? It's the happening place to be."
"Earth?" God says in disgust. "Oh, no, not Earth. Last time I was there I got some bitch pregnant and I haven't heard the end of it for two thousand years."

[laklak]

Hymie and Ethel are having dinner with their friends Moshe and Sarah. Ethel says "We were invited to the White House for dinner last week. The food was wonderful! And the First Lady asked for my recipe for knishes!" Not to be outdone, Sarah says "When we were in Italy we had dinner with the Pope". "The Pope?" says Ethel, "What's he like?" Sarah says "Him I liked, her not so much".

-Jackie Mason.

[Hermit]

[Animavore]

That is brilliant!

[tattuchu]

Hymie and Ethel are having dinner with their friends Moshe and Sarah. Ethel says "We were invited to the White House for dinner last week. The food was wonderful! And the First Lady asked for my recipe for knishes!" Not to be outdone, Sarah says "When we were in Italy we had dinner with the Pope". "The Pope?" says Ethel, "What's he like?" Sarah says "Him I liked, her not so much".

-Jackie Mason.