English school bans dangerous triangle shaped flapjacks

[Mallardz]

This new law is unworkable - kids will simply buy rectangular flapjacks and cut them in two, diagonally. Well, those with the appropriate level of maths skills will - the others will pay/bully the smart ones into doing it for them!

IMO, the only safe option is to ban this vicious foodstuff (that is clearly made solely with the purpose of putting-someones-eye-out) altogether!

Those who manage to work out this intricate business for themselves will be fast-tracked as future mathematical geniuses in Michael Gove's master plan.

What about those who work out that the square ones have 4 corners for a more likely eye poke.
Or those who cut them into dozens of squares or triangles for increased quantity of projectiles.
What if some genius creates a two sided falpjack! Would that not be worst somehow than three sides?

[klr]

This new law is unworkable - kids will simply buy rectangular flapjacks and cut them in two, diagonally. Well, those with the appropriate level of maths skills will - the others will pay/bully the smart ones into doing it for them!

IMO, the only safe option is to ban this vicious foodstuff (that is clearly made solely with the purpose of putting-someones-eye-out) altogether!

Those who manage to work out this intricate business for themselves will be fast-tracked as future mathematical geniuses in Michael Gove's master plan.

What about those who work out that the square ones have 4 corners for a more likely eye poke.
Or those who cut them into dozens of squares or triangles for increased quantity of projectiles.
What if some genius creates a two sided falpjack! Would that not be worst somehow than three sides?

Those are clearly the business tycoons of the future. But only if it's a Public School. Otherwise they'll just end up running a deli or something.

[Xamonas Chegwé]

This new law is unworkable - kids will simply buy rectangular flapjacks and cut them in two, diagonally. Well, those with the appropriate level of maths skills will - the others will pay/bully the smart ones into doing it for them!

IMO, the only safe option is to ban this vicious foodstuff (that is clearly made solely with the purpose of putting-someones-eye-out) altogether!

Those who manage to work out this intricate business for themselves will be fast-tracked as future mathematical geniuses in Michael Gove's master plan.

What about those who work out that the square ones have 4 corners for a more likely eye poke.
Or those who cut them into dozens of squares or triangles for increased quantity of projectiles.
What if some genius creates a two sided falpjack! Would that not be worst somehow than three sides?

There is a trade-off in such weaponry between number of angles (n) which increases the chance of hitting an eye with a corner and sharpness of angle (∂) which increases the chance of actually putting the eye out. These are related by the equation ∂ = π - (2π/n) radians. The lower the value of ∂, the better - a two sided flapjack would actually have a ∂ of 0, which would be infinitely likely to put out an eye.

Luckily, the manufacturing process for the two sided flapjack is a closely guarded secret known only to a few, trustworthy nation-states (and Israel, and Iran, and North Korea, and whoever has Gaddafi's research papers these days...) and tightly regulated by international agreements. Besides, it is not easy to get your hands on weapons-grade oatmeal (unless you have a branch of Aldi nearby.)

[JimC]

The flapjacks I know are soft, floppy things that wouldn't hurt anybody no matter how many corners they had...

Now, if we were talking about Dwarf bread, it would have been a fair call...

[Gawdzilla Sama]

Are these assault flapjacks? Those are dangerous.

[Xamonas Chegwé]

The flapjacks I know are soft, floppy things that wouldn't hurt anybody no matter how many corners they had...

Now, if we were talking about Dwarf bread, it would have been a fair call...

Weapons-grade oatmeal and depleted-Uranium syrup, Jim. Nasty stuff. Especially if they use fragmentation raisins! Our playgrounds just aren't safe anymore.

[MiM]

I can make weapons grade flapjacks, or buns or baguettes, out of any oatmeal or flour

[hadespussercats]

What are these weirdos doing to make non-round flapjacks in the first place?

[Gawdzilla Sama]

What are these weirdos doing to make non-round flapjacks in the first place?

They're atheists.

[Robert_S]

Methinks someone has a grudge. Maybe their wife rode off with Flapjack Davey.

[Xamonas Chegwé]

Methinks someone has a grudge. Maybe their wife rode off with Flapjack Davey.

You don't know what it's like out there, Rob! Wait till you've been mugged by a gang of 13 year-olds armed with lethal, honey & cinnamon oatcakes! You'll change your tune. It's a jungle out there, I tell you, a jungle!

[Tero]

Sheesh - next they'll be banning guns in school!

And plastic knives!

[Gawdzilla Sama]

I'm not worried, I'm a dead shot with anything on Earth, gun, knife or flapjack. You flapophobes are running scared. Pussies!

[Xamonas Chegwé]

I'm not worried, I'm a dead shot with anything on Earth, gun, knife or flapjack. You flapophobes are running scared. Pussies!

It's the people saying that teachers should be armed with blueberry muffins that scare me! What next? Prefects with lemon meringues? Sugar-dusted security guards?

ALthough, the way these kids "wake and bake" before coming to school, I struggle to find a less extreme solution!

[John_fi_Skye]

Billy Connolly had a great routine about his mum's over-protectiveness, in which one of the things the old lady was characterised as having said was, "You be careful with that piece of toast - it'll have your eye out!"

We've now reached that ridiculous state in real life.