Untold History of the United States

[Ian]

I've seen a couple episodes of it. It's good, though aimed at an audience with a lower level of knowledge than I already have. There's not much new. Plus, Oliver Stone's narration is a trial to listen to; he should have found a better narrator besides himself. But I'll probably watch another the next time I see it's on.

[Rum]

..maybe I'll skip it after all. His Kennedy film was dubious to say the least..

[PsychoSerenity]

I've seen a couple episodes of it. It's good, though aimed at an audience with a lower level of knowledge than I already have. There's not much new. Plus, Oliver Stone's narration is a trial to listen to; he should have found a better narrator besides himself. But I'll probably watch another the next time I see it's on.

I found it very easy to listen to. Why exactly did you not like it?

The main question I have is, is it reasonably accurate history? I have almost no knowledge of WW2 so I can't really tell if I've learned something new or if I've learned something nonsense bastardised revisionary.

[Rum]

Well I gave it a chance and watched the first 20 minutes. As Ian says, if you have more than a schoolbook knowledge of history you will have seen/read/heard it all before. What is more Stone's agenda is clear from the start. The USA has made several 'grave mistakes, but it's not too late'.

Well der..

[tattuchu]

All I need to know about history, I learned in school, and here it is:

Christopher Columbus set sail from England with his pals in the Nina, Pinta, and the Santa Maria, to look for another way to India. They landed at Plymouth Rock in Massachusetts. What they found was the United States, not India, but they named the natives Indians anyway because fuck it why not. When you're awesome you can do what you want.
The Indians welcomed us with open arms because we're awesome so of course they did. Plus they were savages and viewed us like gods anyhow. The Indians didn't think they owned the land, so we took it. We gave them blankets and beads and whiskey in trade just to be nice, though. They loved the beads because they were arts and crafts kind of people I guess, they loved the blankets because they were savages like I said and so didn't know how to make blankets themselves I guess, and they loved the whiskey and prolly felt stupid they didn't figure out how to make stuff like that themselves. Anyway so we had a new place to live, conveniently already called The United States, and the Indians were happy with their new gifts and went to live on reservations or something because they liked it better there anyhow and for some reason there weren't that many of them left anyway. Maybe there never were that many of them in the first place. Yeah that sounds right. When we came, it was mostly open country and up for grabs. So, yeah, everybody was happy.
Kayso eventually the United States got kinda pissed off at England charging us taxes and stuff, which they shouldn't of done because we're the United States and they're England so what the fuck. So to teach them a lesson, we dumped all their tea in the Boston harbor. Well, English people really love tea so this got them very angry and they came over to kick our asses. But they're really stupid the way they fight, standing in groups right out in the open. And we hid behind trees and stuff because we're smart, and we picked them off one by one. And we beat them with no help from anyone because we're awesome and they suck. And then we made this Declaration of Independence to remind England that this was The United States, not England, because they're stupid and they just don't get it. So we had to write up a fancy piece of paper to show them. And then we wrote our Constitution and Bill of Rights because, again, we're awesome, and the smartest people in the world cuz only we thought of it and no one else. Oh and then France sent us this cool statue because they were so impressed by our awesomeness and wanted to be BFFs or something. So we named french fries french fries in their honor. Oh and french toast. We didn't want to be BFFs because we're all rugged and independent and shit, but this made the French happy and shut them up so they'd leave us alone. We think the French are all gay so, yeah, we want them to keep their distance and stuff. We kept their statue of course because it's a cool statue but we don't really acknowledge that it came from France. We don't want to give France any funny ideas, like we like them or something, because we don't swing that way. So we just say that we made that statue. It's an awesome statue and we're awesome so yeah, it's ours and we made it.
Right so we made George Washington our first President because first of all the United States has presidents not kings or queens because that's gay. And we picked George Washington as our first president because he never told a lie and he chopped down cherry trees and he had wooden teeth. So, yeah, we figured he'd make a good one.
So then everything was cool for a while but then President Lincoln decided we needed to free the slaves because we're awesome and even though everyone knows niggers are savages, still, they're kinda people too if you think about it. So we're really nice, and awesome, and smart, and so we decided to be the first country in the whole world to free slaves. Because we're so smart and everyone else is dumb, if that wasn't clear. But people in the South didn't like this idea too much because they're the stupid half of the United States, the retarded half, and because they're lazy and didn't want to pick their own cotton. So we had to have a war and the North, which is the real United States anyway, kicked the shit out of the South. They're still sore at us about it but you can't blame them too much much because they're retards. And retards are still part of the family no matter how retarded they are, so we let then stay in our country. Because we're nice. And awesome. But we just ignore them at family get-togethers and talk shit about them around the punch bowl because what the fuck they're retards. Oh and then all the niggers were free so they all lived happily ever after in our awesome country where even niggers can be treated like regular people.
Moving right along, everything is going great. Because we're awesome. But then all the other countries in Europe get in a big fight and go to war. Because they're stupid and not smart like us. And we mind our own business at first, because that's what we do, but then it becomes obvious that they need our help. Because why wouldn't they? They all suck and we're awesome so of course they need our help. So we go over and help England, who we're not mad at anymore (because we're awesome like that), and we single-handedly win the war and are heroes and prove to the world, if they didn't already know it but it should be pretty fucking obvious, that we are indeed awesome.
In the 1930's someone came up with the idea to make alcohol illegal, some retard, probably a Southerner because they're all retards. But so we had to kill Al Capone, along with help from our friends the Indians because they love their whiskey, and then made alcohol legal again like it shoulda been all along. I'm just kidding about the Indians. I don't even know what the Indians were doing. They pretty much keep to themselves. I don't think they're savages anymore because they learned how to be civilized by our example, but I'm not sure. They could still be savages, who knows. So anyway, the whole Prohibition thing was a mistake. Which is kinda weird if you think about it because we're perfect and don't make mistakes. So it's probably a mistake to consider it a mistake, I dunno. Best not to think too hard on it. Plus we had to kill Al Capone anyway so there's that.
Alright so then things went fine after that until YET AGAIN the Europeans couldn't fucking get along with each other and we had to go bail their asses out a second time, single-handedly winning World War II. We're heroes again.
After WWII it's just one long stream of awesomeness. We're smart, we're perfect, and we're awesome. We never make mistakes, we never do bad things, we're the good guys. The whole world looks up to us and wishes they could be like us. Even when we make mistakes and do bad things, it doesn't matter. Because if it's in our own best interest to do bad things, that makes it okay. And that makes the bad things not bad things. Because we don't do bad things anyway so that's just crazy talk to say we do bad things.
So, we're smart. We're awesome. We're perfect.
Awesome.
Awesome.
Awesome.
That's us, that's our history.

[tattuchu]

Well I gave it a chance and watched the first 20 minutes. As Ian says, if you have more than a schoolbook knowledge of history you will have seen/read/heard it all before. What is more Stone's agenda is clear from the start. The USA has made several 'grave mistakes, but it's not too late'.

Well der..

That's just silly, Rum. You aren't still mad about the tea in the harbor thing, are you?

[Rum]

Well I gave it a chance and watched the first 20 minutes. As Ian says, if you have more than a schoolbook knowledge of history you will have seen/read/heard it all before. What is more Stone's agenda is clear from the start. The USA has made several 'grave mistakes, but it's not too late'.

Well der..

That's just silly, Rum. You aren't still mad about the tea in the harbor thing, are you?

We never got it back..

Your history synopsis is excellent and on the button by the way. <---TEA!

[Ian]

I've seen a couple episodes of it. It's good, though aimed at an audience with a lower level of knowledge than I already have. There's not much new. Plus, Oliver Stone's narration is a trial to listen to; he should have found a better narrator besides himself. But I'll probably watch another the next time I see it's on.

I found it very easy to listen to. Why exactly did you not like it?

I like the subject matter fine, I just mean that listening to Oliver Stone do the narration is difficult. He seems to make a lot of unnecessary pauses in the middle of sentences, and is otherwise kinda monotone. The only thing worse is Garrison Keilor. He should've hired Morgan Freeman or someone who is good at narration

The main question I have is, is it reasonably accurate history? I have almost no knowledge of WW2 so I can't really tell if I've learned something new or if I've learned something nonsense bastardised revisionary.

Seems reasonably accurate, though Stone clearly has his own agenda to push (much of which I sympathize with, but still...). But I don't think there's a whole lot of "untold" stuff there.

[tattuchu]

Well I gave it a chance and watched the first 20 minutes. As Ian says, if you have more than a schoolbook knowledge of history you will have seen/read/heard it all before. What is more Stone's agenda is clear from the start. The USA has made several 'grave mistakes, but it's not too late'.

Well der..

That's just silly, Rum. You aren't still mad about the tea in the harbor thing, are you?

We never got it back..

Your history synopsis is excellent and on the button by the way. <---TEA!

I should write a book about U.S. history and title it, A Fortunate Series of Awesome Events. Maybe I could make a lot of money. But, really, these are all things every child in the U.S. already knows anyway

[FBM]

I like the part where the Indians gave the French the Eiffel Tower in exchange for radio. That was a good deal.

[Gawdzilla Sama]

"If you're thinking 'myth breaking' you are 'MYTHTAKEN."

[Rum]

Well I gave it a chance and watched the first 20 minutes. As Ian says, if you have more than a schoolbook knowledge of history you will have seen/read/heard it all before. What is more Stone's agenda is clear from the start. The USA has made several 'grave mistakes, but it's not too late'.

Well der..

That's just silly, Rum. You aren't still mad about the tea in the harbor thing, are you?

We never got it back..

Your history synopsis is excellent and on the button by the way. <---TEA!

I should write a book about U.S. history and title it, A Fortunate Series of Awesome Events. Maybe I could make a lot of money. But, really, these are all things every child in the U.S. already knows anyway

We have a book published in (probably) the late 30s called "1066 and all that".. If you don't know why 1066 is significant you fail your history class! Here's a bit..

----

CHAPTER 1

Caesar Invades Britain

THE first date(*) in English History is 55 B.C., in which year Julius Caesar (the memorable Roman Emperor) landed, like all other successful invaders of these islands, at Thanet. This was in the Olden Days, when the Romans were top nation on account of their classical education, etc.

Julius Caesar advanced very energetically, throwing his cavalry several thousands of paces over the River Flumen; but the Ancient Britons, though all well over military age, painted themselves true blue, or wood, and fought as heroically under their dashing queen, Woadicea, as they did later in thin red lines under their good queen, Victoria.

(*)For the other date see Chapter 11, William the Conqueror Julius Caesar was therefore compelled to invade Britain again the following year (54 B.C., not 56, owing to the peculiar Roman method of counting), and having defeated the Ancient Britons by unfair means, such as battering-rams, tortoises, hippocausts, centipedes, axes, and bundles, set the memorable Latin sentence, `Veni, Vidi, Vici', which the Romans, who were all very well educated, construed correctly.

The Britons, however, who of course still used the old pronunciation, understanding him to have called them `Weeny, Weedy, and Weaky', lost heart and gave up the struggle, thinking that he had already divided them All into Three Parts.


Culture among the Ancient Britons

The Ancient Britons were by no means savages before the Conquest, and had already made great strides in civilization, e.g. they buried each other in long round wheelbarrows (agriculture) and burnt each other alive (religion) under the guidance of even older Britons called Druids or Eisteddfods, who worshipped the Middletoe in the famous Druidical churchyard at Stoke Penge.

The Roman Conquest was, however, a Good Thing, since the Britons were only natives at that time.

The Roman Occupation For some reason the Romans neglected to overrun the country with fire and the sword, though they had both of these; in fact, after the Conquest they did not mingle with the Britons at all, but lived a semi-detached life in villas. They occupied their time for two or three hundred years in building Roman roads and having Roman baths; this was called the Roman Occupation, and gave rise to the memorable Roman law, ?HE WHO BATHS FIRST BATHS FAST,? which was a Good Thing, and still is. The Roman roads ran absolutely straight in all directions and all led to Rome. The Romans also built towns wherever they were wanted, and, in addition, a wall between England and Scotland to keep out the savage Picts and Scots. This wall was the work of the memorable Roman Emperor Balbus and was thus called Hadrian's Wall. The Picts, or painted men,* were so called to distinguish them from the Britons. (See supra, woad.)

[tattuchu]

Just finished watching episode one of the Stone thing. Very interesting stuff. All joking aside, world history as taught in U.S. schools is naturally very Americentric. Nothing in this first video is very shocking, but it's just nice to see a broader picture painted.

[Jason]

Tat.. your avatar.. it looks like a hungry penis. It could only be more disturbing if it shot spurts of milk out of its mouth.

[tattuchu]

Tat.. your avatar.. it looks like a hungry penis. It could only be more disturbing awesome if it shot spurts of milk out of its mouth.