Can i buy you a coffee?
- Santa_Claus
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Re: Can i buy you a coffee?
IME there does seem to be some sort of line involved about sitting down opposite a woman in a coffee shop and then starting to masturbate.
Maybe I should have offered her a coffee first?
Maybe I should have offered her a coffee first?
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Re: Can i buy you a coffee?
I reckon so. Chicks dig it when you masturbate in their coffee.Santa_Claus wrote:IME there does seem to be some sort of line involved about sitting down opposite a woman in a coffee shop and then starting to masturbate.
Maybe I should have offered her a coffee first?

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Re: Can i buy you a coffee?
I thought that offering to buy someone coffee was only done in movies.
I've never been offered coffee or any other drink by a person I don't know, though I have been propositioned by an attractive young man in a city store one evening. After a friendly hello, he asked if I was "with anyone" .. and it is to my somewhat wistful regret that I had to tell him that, yes, I was.
I see nothing useful in trying to make an apples and oranges analogy like the one mentioned in the OP. Offering to buy a man coffee in order to then proselytise to that man is analogous with offering to buy a woman coffee in order to then proselytise to that woman. Why is it assumed by the author that men will not understand a direct comparison? Why is it assumed that it's necessary to find a motive for initiating conversation with a man that is generally understood by most people, regardless of gender, to be quite annoying, in order to make this point? Might it be because offering to buy someone coffee in order to simply get to know them a little is not unreasonable at all.
And it's not harrassment in either case .. not until if/when the man or woman has declined the coffee and made it clear they're not interested, and the person offering persists.
I'm with CES .. making a friendly advance is only that. I see nothing offensive in it at all. Even if it is intruding on a person's desire for solitude, it doesn't make an initial gesture impolite or confrontational. As for those who respond to a "no thanks" with vitriol, then it's not the general method of invitation, but the attitude of that particular individual that is the problem.

I've never been offered coffee or any other drink by a person I don't know, though I have been propositioned by an attractive young man in a city store one evening. After a friendly hello, he asked if I was "with anyone" .. and it is to my somewhat wistful regret that I had to tell him that, yes, I was.
I see nothing useful in trying to make an apples and oranges analogy like the one mentioned in the OP. Offering to buy a man coffee in order to then proselytise to that man is analogous with offering to buy a woman coffee in order to then proselytise to that woman. Why is it assumed by the author that men will not understand a direct comparison? Why is it assumed that it's necessary to find a motive for initiating conversation with a man that is generally understood by most people, regardless of gender, to be quite annoying, in order to make this point? Might it be because offering to buy someone coffee in order to simply get to know them a little is not unreasonable at all.
And it's not harrassment in either case .. not until if/when the man or woman has declined the coffee and made it clear they're not interested, and the person offering persists.
I'm with CES .. making a friendly advance is only that. I see nothing offensive in it at all. Even if it is intruding on a person's desire for solitude, it doesn't make an initial gesture impolite or confrontational. As for those who respond to a "no thanks" with vitriol, then it's not the general method of invitation, but the attitude of that particular individual that is the problem.
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Re: Can i buy you a coffee?
Very much all this.RiverF wrote: And it's not harrassment in either case .. not until if/when the man or woman has declined the coffee and made it clear they're not interested, and the person offering persists.
I'm with CES .. making a friendly advance is only that. I see nothing offensive in it at all. Even if it is intruding on a person's desire for solitude, it doesn't make an initial gesture impolite or confrontational. As for those who respond to a "no thanks" with vitriol, then it's not the general method of invitation, but the attitude of that particular individual that is the problem.
I don't understand people who seem to define "harassment" as "you should have been able to read my mind that one time when you approached me, were turned down and then left me alone."
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Re: Can i buy you a coffee?
Harassment is when you're in their personal bubble or w/e and you've been told to fuck off and you don't.
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Re: Can i buy you a coffee?
RiverF wrote:I thought that offering to buy someone coffee was only done in movies.![]()
I've never been offered coffee or any other drink by a person I don't know, though I have been propositioned by an attractive young man in a city store one evening. After a friendly hello, he asked if I was "with anyone" .. and it is to my somewhat wistful regret that I had to tell him that, yes, I was.
I see nothing useful in trying to make an apples and oranges analogy like the one mentioned in the OP. Offering to buy a man coffee in order to then proselytise to that man is analogous with offering to buy a woman coffee in order to then proselytise to that woman. Why is it assumed by the author that men will not understand a direct comparison? Why is it assumed that it's necessary to find a motive for initiating conversation with a man that is generally understood by most people, regardless of gender, to be quite annoying, in order to make this point? Might it be because offering to buy someone coffee in order to simply get to know them a little is not unreasonable at all.
And it's not harrassment in either case .. not until if/when the man or woman has declined the coffee and made it clear they're not interested, and the person offering persists.
I'm with CES .. making a friendly advance is only that. I see nothing offensive in it at all. Even if it is intruding on a person's desire for solitude, it doesn't make the gesture impolite or confrontational. As for those who respond to a "no thanks" with vitriol, then it's not the general method of invitation, but the attitude of that particular individual that is the problem.

A far better analogy would be that a loud, obnoxious woman with terrible BO bought me a coffee without asking and then called me a queer for refusing it and proceeded to grab my bollocks and force my face into her foetid cleavage. That, I could see as being a tad off-putting and would probably class as sexual harassment.
However, a woman that I did not find particularly attractive were to politely offer me a coffee, I would either accept and chat with her for a while or make an equally polite excuse not to.
The religious zealot argument is a massive strawman!
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Salman Rushdie
You talk to God, you're religious. God talks to you, you're psychotic.
House MD
Who needs a meaning anyway, I'd settle anyday for a very fine view.
Sandy Denny
This is the wrong forum for bluffing

Paco
Yes, yes. But first I need to show you this venomous fish!
Calilasseia
I think we should do whatever Pawiz wants.
Twoflower
Bella squats momentarily then waddles on still peeing, like a horse
Millefleur
Re: Can i buy you a coffee?
yep.Bella Fortuna wrote:Very much all this.RiverF wrote: And it's not harrassment in either case .. not until if/when the man or woman has declined the coffee and made it clear they're not interested, and the person offering persists.
I'm with CES .. making a friendly advance is only that. I see nothing offensive in it at all. Even if it is intruding on a person's desire for solitude, it doesn't make an initial gesture impolite or confrontational. As for those who respond to a "no thanks" with vitriol, then it's not the general method of invitation, but the attitude of that particular individual that is the problem.
I don't understand people who seem to define "harassment" as "you should have been able to read my mind that one time when you approached me, were turned down and then left me alone."

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Re: Can i buy you a coffee?
Mind if i sit here? I'm American. And I love your accent.Animavore wrote:American women are quite forward. They're not like Irish women. They'll just come up and say, "Mind if I sit here?" and start talking to you. Then they'll start telling you they love your accent. Pure harassment. Can't just sip my beer in peace. What a cruel, oppressive world I live in.

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Re: Can i buy you a coffee?
I've spent a lot of time in Starbucks and other coffee places over the years. I don't go to meet people, though I will chat with barristas, or other people in line if it comes up. Usually I just want to eat my lunch/breakfast/drink my coffee in peace (like Dev.)Coito ergo sum wrote:Whatever happened to just being friendly?devogue wrote:Yes, they should - they know nothing about the person apart from their appearance so their notion that they might be "the one" is built on nothing, especially if there is absolutely no signal from that person that they want to be approached.Pappa wrote:what's a person to do if they see someone in Starbucks that, for whatever reason, they think might just be "the one"? Should they walk away and possibly forever regret their inaction?
Are people not friendly over there? I read Animavore's post earlier today where he said "American women are more forward" or something to that effect. And, I was out and about with an Brit friend a while back who said the same thing. Maybe it's just more common to be friendly over here in the states? I mean -- the idea of talking to a stranger doesn't seem to me like invasion of privacy -- maybe it's a cultural distinction?
People have occasionally tried to start a conversation with me when I was sitting with my coffee. But IIRC, it was mostly people trying to raise money for something (or homeless people raising change for a snack)-- or occasionally activists, people who wanted to talk with me about god, etc., etc. So... it wouldn't really matter what someone was approaching me about, I'd probably shut them down as quickly as possible-- even telling them to leave me alone, if my headshake and turn to my book wasn't enough to send the message.
People have flirted with me-- but that usually happened when I was either in line or waiting for my drink (in other words, still up and about, not reading or sending messages that I'm busy.) I like being flirted with, generally-- as long as the flirter isn't a total douchecanoe.
The only free coffee I've gotten was from barristas who hooked me up with drinks no one picked up. Still,

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Re: Can i buy you a coffee?
Every culture has different limits to what interactions are acceptable and there is definitely more talking to strangers in America than there is the UK, but it happens everywhere to some extent and I don't think it's healthy to be so worried about the possibility of someone being rude or harrassing before they have ever approached you. It is not an epidemic. People, men, in general everywhere I have been in the western world, are polite. There are always exceptions, always assholes (of both genders) but we don't generally build our social behavior around them.
I honestly don't understand how this is an issue at all. This is coming from someone who is an introvert and who really would prefer never to be talked to. I know though, that part of going out in public and having normal human interactions is having to communicate and talk to other people. It's okay not to want to do that and to opt out at every opportunity, it's not okay to expect that society conform to your personal nerosis.
I have been offered a cup of coffee exactly once. I said "no thank you", which was followed by, "you sure?", "no, I'm fine, thanks" and that was the end of that. I survived. Several times I have been approached while sitting and asked, "mind if I sit here?". The guy didn't actually have to ask, because in a public place where seats are not reserved you can sit wherever you like, but guys generally know that women are leary and do the polite thing. In every case I said, "go ahead" and then continued reading. In most cases that was the end of that because I didn't make any further eye contact or sign I wanted to talk. In one case the guy kept trying to talk to me and I said, "I'm not trying to be rude, but I really just want to read my book". He said sorry and walked away. I had to feel slightly uncomfortable for a few moments and he probably felt like an ass. Both of those reactions are very reasonable and within the realm of normal human interaction.
In another case, the guy was very attractive and I ended up talking to him for a few minutes. Then I went to work thinking about how the guy was hot, and never saw him again. If he had asked for some contact info I probably would have given it to him. That was a very rare case, but in none of those situations did I expect a guy to know how I was going to respond before he approached me and I don't consider it strange or offensive and certainly not harrassing for someone to do that.
I honestly don't understand how this is an issue at all. This is coming from someone who is an introvert and who really would prefer never to be talked to. I know though, that part of going out in public and having normal human interactions is having to communicate and talk to other people. It's okay not to want to do that and to opt out at every opportunity, it's not okay to expect that society conform to your personal nerosis.
I have been offered a cup of coffee exactly once. I said "no thank you", which was followed by, "you sure?", "no, I'm fine, thanks" and that was the end of that. I survived. Several times I have been approached while sitting and asked, "mind if I sit here?". The guy didn't actually have to ask, because in a public place where seats are not reserved you can sit wherever you like, but guys generally know that women are leary and do the polite thing. In every case I said, "go ahead" and then continued reading. In most cases that was the end of that because I didn't make any further eye contact or sign I wanted to talk. In one case the guy kept trying to talk to me and I said, "I'm not trying to be rude, but I really just want to read my book". He said sorry and walked away. I had to feel slightly uncomfortable for a few moments and he probably felt like an ass. Both of those reactions are very reasonable and within the realm of normal human interaction.
In another case, the guy was very attractive and I ended up talking to him for a few minutes. Then I went to work thinking about how the guy was hot, and never saw him again. If he had asked for some contact info I probably would have given it to him. That was a very rare case, but in none of those situations did I expect a guy to know how I was going to respond before he approached me and I don't consider it strange or offensive and certainly not harrassing for someone to do that.
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Re: Can i buy you a coffee?
No worries -- not meaning to turn this into an argument. I literally - really - "don't get it," in terms of the position the article is taking, or the position that a polite hello and/or offer to buy a woman a cuppa could possibly be interpreted as an invasion of privacy or harassment (provided, of course, there is nothing threatening done and it isn't repeated attention after a no answer is given or something like that.devogue wrote:Hey CES - up to my eyes this morning doing research for Mrs Dev's postgrad - will respond this evening!
But, maybe I need to do a self-review. I say "good morning" and "hello" to people every day in a small townish, neighborly sort of way. If I step to the end of the line and make eye contact with the person in front of me, I will almost always say "Hello" or "hey how you doin?" Just sort of being nice.
I would think it rude not to say hello to a person in a coffee shop when I go and sit down and other people are around. "Nice day, isn't it?" Very common -- even if I'm not intending to continue the conversation. I just talk to people. The response to that initial pleasantry is really what gives a prompt to a conversation. If they respond, then maybe the conversation continues, and if not, then maybe I just click around my phone or ipad or something.
If I were single and was in a coffee shop and I saw a pretty girl sitting there, I most certainly might like to spark up a conversation, and I can't imagine it being improper for me to say "Hi -- I'm going to grab a cup of coffee and I wonder if I might buy you one?" To me, that means -- I want to come back and chit-chat with you. If she says yes, she's open to it. Most often, back in the day, I wouldn't even offer to buy the coffee right up front, but rather I would just throw out some sort of conversation starter and see if she gives me eye contact or responds in other than a perfunctory manner. I never thought I was invading their privacy, but maybe Ratz girls will enlighten me.
Of course, I understand it is all in "how" it is done. Striking up a convo can seem creepy or scary, and if the offer to buy a cuppa is coupled with a leering too-long gaze, profanity or rudeness, well, that changes everything. But, we're talking about a polite offer to buy a cuppa.
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Re: Can i buy you a coffee?
Bella Fortuna wrote:Very much all this.RiverF wrote: And it's not harrassment in either case .. not until if/when the man or woman has declined the coffee and made it clear they're not interested, and the person offering persists.
I'm with CES .. making a friendly advance is only that. I see nothing offensive in it at all. Even if it is intruding on a person's desire for solitude, it doesn't make an initial gesture impolite or confrontational. As for those who respond to a "no thanks" with vitriol, then it's not the general method of invitation, but the attitude of that particular individual that is the problem.
I don't understand people who seem to define "harassment" as "you should have been able to read my mind that one time when you approached me, were turned down and then left me alone."

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Re: Can i buy you a coffee?
This shit makes my brain hurt. ("...and yes, doctor, my hair does hurt..." -- Bob Newhart)
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Re: Can i buy you a coffee?
I'm relieved to hear your point of view, Rachel, because that is in line with my feelings on it.rachelbean wrote:
I have been offered a cup of coffee exactly once. I said "no thank you", which was followed by, "you sure?", "no, I'm fine, thanks" and that was the end of that. I survived. Several times I have been approached while sitting and asked, "mind if I sit here?". The guy didn't actually have to ask, because in a public place where seats are not reserved you can sit wherever you like, but guys generally know that women are leary and do the polite thing. In every case I said, "go ahead" and then continued reading. In most cases that was the end of that because I didn't make any further eye contact or sign I wanted to talk. In one case the guy kept trying to talk to me and I said, "I'm not trying to be rude, but I really just want to read my book". He said sorry and walked away. I had to feel slightly uncomfortable for a few moments and he probably felt like an ass. Both of those reactions are very reasonable and within the realm of normal human interaction.
If I go somewhere like a coffee shop -- like the Starbucks I go to every now and again -- there are comfy chairs there that are positioned with coffee tables or end tables, whatever you want to call them, between them. It's certainly "o.k." to sit on an empty chair, even if the chair next to it is occupied by a woman. But, I always ask "do you mind if I sit here?" I mean -- the seat may be saved for her friend who went to the "loo" or something. I have very rarely offered to buy a woman coffee in a coffee shop, but I have done it. A few times, it was after I had already struck up a convo and I was heading up for more coffee and I asked if I could get her something too, so that's not the same thing at all - that's just being polite. But, one time I was reading a book at a Caribou Coffee house and an attractive woman sat down and we were pretty much alone in that area of the coffee shop. I couldn't figure out what I wanted to say, but I thought she was cute so I wanted to talk with her. If I think about stuff too much I freeze up, so I just picked the only opening I could think of at the time which was to offer to get her a coffee. She accepted and we ended up chatting for about 1/2 hour. It turns out it wouldn't be going anywhere, but it was a nice conversation.
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Re: Can i buy you a coffee?
Given my mood lately, if a guy offered me a cup o' Joe, I'd hop up, recite, "Pot. Kettle. Black." And nail him with a cast iron skillet.
Sometimes I think I'm too aggressive for my own good.
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