Help me?

[Trolldor]

Sometimes at night as I try to get to sleep, I fantasise about murdering my friends for some reason.

I know this feeling... but the preference was a little different.

You worry in what way? It sounds ridiculous, I know, but I want to know exactly the words you'd use to explain how you worry.

[Lozzer]

Sometimes at night as I try to get to sleep, I fantasise about murdering my friends for some reason.

I know this feeling... but the preference was a little different.

You worry in what way? It sounds ridiculous, I know, but I want to know exactly the words you'd use to explain how you worry.

Because its probably abnormal?lol. Or I'm scared there might be something wrong with me.

[Trolldor]

If you're worried it's abnormal then I suggest you speak to someone about it.
Seriously.
Someone private and professional.
ASAP.

[blp]

One thing that no-one has mentioned yet is drugs. Lozzer, you have mentioned before that you smoke quite a bit of dope. Do these visions and hallucinations occur when you are stoned (or have been recently) or do you get them even when you haven't had any dope for a few days.

I used to get auditory hallucinations years ago at a time when I was smoking dope at least once a week, though I never got them when I was actually stoned. It usually sounded like I'd picked up a perfectly ordinary conversation that was happening somewhere else, almost as if I had little radio receivers in my ears. One day it started up and I decided to listen more closely and the voices increased in number until there were lots and all of them seemed to be laughing maniacally. I sat up fast and hoped they'd never come back. And they never have. A lot of the guys I was at school with at the time who were heavy dope smokers had nervous breakdowns and several of them were sectioned.

Lozzer, it sounds like your schizo symptoms are quite mild, but don't underestimate the seriousness of the situation. There are two risks as I see it. One, you do nothing and carry on smoking dope and the hallucinations get worse to the point where you actually can't distinguish them from reality, i.e. you go really nuts. Two, you go see a doctor who puts you on meds you don't really need.

You say you won't talk to a GP because it would be 'gay and really uncomfortable', which sounds contradictory: on the one hand, it's pussying out, on the other hand, you're actually scared to do it. Well, which is it? My guess is the latter. You're making light of all this here, saying it's 'cool' to be crazy and so on, but the fact that you've brought it up at all suggests it's a worry, and the fact that you'd find it uncomfortable to talk to a doctor. In short, you're in denial about how much all this is scaring you. What you need, however, in my view, is not to talk to a doctor, but to someone who understands this kind of thing and can help you understand your anger and fear - a psychoanalyst, in other words. It's the advice of the Delphic Oracle: Know thyself. The sooner you understand your irrational impulses, the better it's going to be for you. I mean, what are you doing on a rationalist forum if you don't want to take a rational approach?