Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest

[Sean Hayden]

[JimC]

The necromancer raised his gaunt hands, and intoned a chilling phrase from the language of the Elder Gods. But then he paused, and said to himself "Fuck this for a game of soldiers, I'm going to the pub..."

[rainbow]

"Bwana, bwana him big simba in jungle!" Fortescue-Smythe grabbed the trusty old 303, but then realised that his piles were playing up again.

[Svartalf]

[pErvinalia]

It's like Wilbur Smith crossed with Douglas Adams!

[Svartalf]

As sir Reginald Frogwinkle-Smythe buttoned up his frock coat, he was reflecting that he was getting too old to attend those functions.

[Brian Peacock]

As Jeremy spread Marmite on his toast, the dark unction stolidly resisting his efforts to push it out to the crust, his thoughts turned once again to Susan, the only woman he had ever truly loved and whose spare prosthetic leg was now propped up in the corner where it stood like a solitary juror ready to deliver the final, condemning verdict.

[Svartalf]

Her name was Jiang Qing and she had the timeless beauty of oriental women who have lost the bloom of youth and not yet truly entered old age

[blindfaith]

Derek stood there, erect and proud, his shuddering member purple with eagerness, looking at his next conquest.
She was 93, blind, deaf, breasts like a beagles ear and a vagina like a punched lasagna.

[Sean Hayden]

Come on, a vagina like punched lasagna? That's brilliant, it'll never work.

[Svartalf]

All of a sudden, I was hungry and I hankered for the traditional taste of italian dishes.

[pErvinalia]

Frank put down his knife and fork and punched the lasagne.

[pErvinalia]

He really hated cheese.

[Svartalf]

There’s a list of people with whom I would use that opening. She said, surprising no one.
Fallible

[Brian Peacock]

When the last of the pickled artichokes were gone Frank realised, somewhat belatedly, that he would have to resort to cannibalism. What surprised him the most about this was the ease with which he accommodated that thought. But then again, he'd never really liked artichokes that much anyway.