Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest

[pErvinalia]

She uncrossed her legs and let the cool breeze blow up her cavernous vagina.

[Sean Hayden]

Or, she uncrossed her legs and let the winds blow.

[Sean Hayden]

Or, when unsure, keep the legs crossed and lean away from it.

[Tero]

"I farted, but something else came out too."

[Brian Peacock]

It was with an air of mild disgruntlement that Bertrand noticed the windowsill had weathered badly that summer, and would no doubt need repainting before the winter set in, as his unbalanced bulk continued over the threshold on his inevitable journey towards the pavement five stories below.

[Joe]

The fullback's legs churned as he carried a pile of defenders into the end zone for the winning score. I started to leap to my feet to cheer, and realized yet again: I no longer had feet, didn't like football, and only watched because I couldn't change the channel, my hands having joined my feet and the rest of my body in death the day before.

[PsychoSerenity]

"Well, well then, um, as Plutarch might say, um, what we need is a scapegoat! Aha" blathered the Prime Minister. "Wouldn't horses be faster?" asked the Chancellor of the Duchy of Lancaster.






Oh sorry, you said fiction, didn't you?

[Sean Hayden]

We'll settle for plausible deniability, the next best thing.

[Brian Peacock]

It trousers were the measure of a man then Stanley was coming up short.

[Sean Hayden]

Lester 'Bumtic', not for any insect therein, but rather for the grotesque way his buttocks would randomly clench, which, given his ample cheek, was sadly always visible through the folds of his pants.

[Sean Hayden]

It was later than I was accustomed, but still before midnight, five minutes till to be exact, and all was quiet, too quiet.

[Sean Hayden]

The fullback's legs churned as he carried a pile of defenders into the end zone for the winning score. I started to leap to my feet to cheer, and realized yet again: I no longer had feet, didn't like football, and only watched because I couldn't change the channel, my hands having joined my feet and the rest of my body in death the day before.

This isn't bad, which means it's no good for our purposes! Try harder, think dumb thoughts.

[Joe]

Awww man!!! I can't even be dumb enough!

Here, I'll steal someone else's dumbness:

I don't do it for the money. I’ve got enough, much more than I’ll ever need. I do it to do it. Deals are my art form. Other people paint beautifully on canvas or write wonderful poetry. I like making deals, preferably big deals. That’s how I get my kicks.

[Sean Hayden]

--he's a fucking virus man!

[Brian Peacock]

The gaunt figure waved his arms like an evil windmill in a malevolent gale.